If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
