Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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