Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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