I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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