Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
