i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
