I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
