I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
