I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he puts the penis in happiness.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
