Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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