i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
