fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize