booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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