Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
