apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
