My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
and you fell through a lawn chair
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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