The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
