Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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