You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
