I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
