Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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