he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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