Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
