So drunk its hurt
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
