I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
