god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think I won the penis lottery.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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