Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
