Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
