did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
