she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
