just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just puked most of my soul out..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
