If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
