The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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