genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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