Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
