Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
