College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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