distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
