Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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