Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize