Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
