I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
