I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize