I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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