and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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