You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
