theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We talked him into tasing himself.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
