I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize