I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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