Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
