mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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