Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
