I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
