and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
