someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He better not be in your backpack
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
