I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
