Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
