Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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