we have officially lost it.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
